#loved this bit bc it’s one of the first portions to give us insight on his reflections

[dearmyloveleys]

aw man reading this portion in the first bit of mdzs in the og text, giving it my own translation and feeling bittersweet:

[WWX]

“魏无羡提起湿淋淋的手掌，就着溪水，一点一点抹去这不知是在嘲笑谁的粉饰。

并非无法承受。毕竟当初做出选择时，就已无比清楚，今后将面对的是什么道路。只记住云梦江氏教给他的东西，记住那一句家训——“明知不可而为之”。

只是自以为心若顽石，却终究人非草木。”

Wei Wuxian raised a wet palm by the stream. Bit by bit, he wiped away the powder makeup, its deriding laughter he wasn’t sure was directed at whom.

It was not that he couldn’t bear it. After all, when he made the decision back then, there was nothing clearer, about what the path he’d face thereafter would be like. He only remembered the things that Yunmeng Jiang Sect taught him, remembered that one line of the Sect motto — “Turn what you know is impossible into a possibility.”/“Attempt it even when you know it’s impossible.”

It was only that he thought the heart was like stone, but at the end of it all, people still were not plants and trees.

[funarisjournal]

Here's a thought: How about a chapter or a scene in a chapter that kinda gives us a further peek into that time Kasuga finally escaped her toxic situation? Not only would it give us a little insight to her at the time, but also a look into the trials and tribulations that a single, young, barely adult woman would have to go through to live on her own. Like...Nagumo seems to be doing fine in both versions of the story (manga doesn't go into it, really, but in the drama, it's implied she's got some help during her unemployment time, even if her family was pushing with the food deliveries at times), but Kasuga basically ran away. Stealthily, but she did. We know she took advantage of her graduating and moving onto college to pick a place far away from them. We know she got a hand-me-down car from other relatives, so she probably talked to them about where she was going. Probably some interesting half-truth talks going around, eh? But like...has she always had the one apartment? Or did she start out with one that her family helped with (bc college)? She probably tried to find a job asap because she would need to support herself. The less ties back to her family, the better.

And obviously, she cut those ties via ghosting at some point, just from the sounds of the convo she was having with her dad in vol 3, anyway. A different cutting-off than what she decided to do there. There would have to be some struggling for a bit, I'm sure (financially, I mean).

Kasuga is written in a way that, at first, she really had to think smart in order to survive. She is free but she's not entirely free, yet. She probably pushed those thoughts further back as the years went on, but they were probably always there in the background. And then it all came back when those damn calls started happening.

But oops. I guess I kinda digressed a bit there. Point is, I want to see the initial journey to freedom from Kasuga. Bonus thought: to lighten up the mood - the first time she realized she had CHOICES in meals. She could make her OWN portions. Or even BUY her own portions. Poor girl's starving for love food, she's definitely going to go to town that first time she realizes she can do that now.

[chthonicpdx]

the winding road to Hekate

alright i’m just gonna post about this bc life is WILD right now. 

so, like, 13 (?) years ago, i was Going Through Some Shit, and i ended up bawling my eyes out on the laundry room floor of my college dorm, begging any god who could hear me for help (PTSD is rough, man.)

in response, i heard - for the first time - a steady, clear voice in my head say: “I will get you through this.” 

(i still get chills, just thinking about it.)

so, having been raised Very Christian, and still running with that crowd, i immediately assumed this was The Holy Spirit speaking to me (in my defense, the xtian God speaks to ppl in the bible in a *lot* stranger ways, so it seemed logical at the time.) 

but anyhow, i’d never been exposed to anything *but* Christianity/monotheism. really. i had no idea there were living polytheistic religions in the world (i was sheltered, man. long story. and i was young.) 

so anyway, i’m 19, and i hear this Voice, and immediately like, throw myself harder into xtian church stuff. i keep living life too - i go to class, i go to therapy, i go to church. i keep journaling and reading the bible and spending LOTS of time in nature. and i keep hearing this Voice.

all the while, hearing this Voice makes me want to sing and dance and talk back; makes me want to make art, and spin in circles in the grass, and learn and grow and know. and it makes me softer, and kinder, and more open. it helps me make friends with my demons. it helps me heal.

(read more under the cut. cw for mentions of homo/transphobia in christianity)

i spent the next decade heavily involved in the xtian church, to the point where it was my entire life. it was all i knew. it was my family and my home (and, somehow, i never really noticed that the Voice in my head was a lot softer, and a lot kinder, than so many of the voices of those who sat next to me in the pews.)

at any rate, the church was my home. my everything. then i came out. 

and that was that. 

i’m bi and nonbinary, and coming out caused a royal shitstorm. i lost nearly everyone - including my birth family. i had built my whole world on a foundation of sand, and the sea came to knock over my castles. 

but the Voice? the Voice was still there. and that should have been my first clue. 

the Voice whispered to me that if i trusted in a loving god, shouldn’t i be honest with myself about my sexuality? if i believe i was created, shouldn’t i trust my creator enough not to throw me away? even when everyone else did?

it was enough to keep me going, and keep me questioning. it was a lot of hard work, but i kept asking myself hard questions; i kept praying. and i figured out important things about myself - about who and how i love, and about who i am. and that Mattered. 

but still. the xtian church doors were officially closed to me, and my family was done. so i walked from them away too. and - since i never even considered that there were truly other gods out there - i stopped listening for the Voice as well. 

* * * * *

fast forward to now: five years later. the xtian church has made some huge strides in inclusivity for LGBTQ ppl, which is great. i started attending a local Lutheran church, full of sweet older gay couples who literally welcomed me with open arms. and it was wonderful and healing and Good. 

and just like that that, i opened my mind/heart/spirit up again, and guess what? the Voice was still there, patiently waiting. only this time, everything was different. because this time, she told me her name. 

* * * * *

that’s the suuuuuper abridged version of how i realized that the Voice in my head, that i’ve been in nearly constant contact with for all of my adult life is not - in fact - Jesus and/or the xtian holy spirit, but a Greek Goddess who’s Very Much Real, and Very Much Present in my daily life. 

and i’m kind of freaking out right now. i honestly don’t know what to do with this revelation. i think this post is a bit of, “i want this blog to be a place to share genuine spiritual experiences, so i can hopefully learn from and get to know other Hellenic polytheists,” and also my brain just going, “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” 

like, i grew up with that One Brand™ of evangelicalism that was like, “God’s your dad so you should just be yourself around him; don’t worry about formalities,” so i’m really not used to a system of offerings and protocol and all of that. 

which isn’t to say that i’m not *extremely* grateful for these things - i am. i’m very, very glad to be joining a religion (Hellenic reconstructionism) that has some solid, specific ways to interact with the gods. it’s comforting, and it’s nice to know where to start. but it’s also overwhelming. 

and it’s really, really overwhelming to realize that the Voice that’s now as familiar as my own thoughts - the one i’ve been instinctually reaching out to without thought since i was a teenager - is also the Goddess of whom Homer said this: 

Zeus the son of Cronos honoured (Hecate) above all. He gave her splendid gifts, to have a share of the earth and the unfruitful sea. She received honour also in starry heaven, and is honoured exceedingly by the deathless gods.

For to this day, whenever any one of men on earth offers rich sacrifices and prays for favour according to custom, he calls upon Hecate. Great honour comes full easily to him whose prayers the goddess receives favourably, and she bestows wealth upon him; for the power surely is with her. For as many as were born of Earth and Ocean amongst all these she has her due portion.

The son of Cronos did her no wrong nor took anything away of all that was her portion among the former Titan gods: but she holds, as the division was at the first from the beginning, privilege both in earth, and in heaven, and in sea.

Also, because she is an only child, the goddess receives not less honour, but much more still, for Zeus honours her. Whom she will she greatly aids and advances: she sits by worshipful kings in judgement, and in the assembly whom she will is distinguished among the people. And when men arm themselves for the battle that destroys men, then the goddess is at hand to give victory and grant glory readily to whom she will. [x]

so like. Internal screaming. very much internal screaming. 

i am overwhelmed and grateful and so very, very found. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. but this is certainly the strangest spiritual experience i've ever had - and that includes first hearing a foreign voice in my head while i was sobbing on a laundry room floor. 

so anyway...that’s a long winded way of saying hey what’s up, i’m Winter, i belong to Hecate (and damn that feels good to write) and i’d love to get to know ya’ll. if anyone has similar experiences to share (or any sort of insight on what the HECK is going on for me right now) i welcome comments/responses! 

otherwise, this was my way of organizing my thoughts via tumblr ramble. thanks for reading, loves ❤ 

(ps ask me sometime how Hades started this all. i blame @chironomy​)

[the-mamas-project]

The MAMAS Project - Jena

This month’s post is a bit different. One half of TMP, Jena, joins the ranks of brave moms who have shared their motherhood successes, struggles, and insight. The ultimate realness. Instead of our typical interview format, this post is self-written. Always having had a way with words, Jena’s voice on the page, her rawness, will draw you in. Oh, and give you all the feels. 

I think I have always wanted to be a mother, but I had spent most of my early twenties travelling, then found myself in nursing school and in a relationship. Just as I was about to graduate and start my career, I was suddenly pregnant. At that point, I hadn’t thought much about parenthood, other than the occasional non-rational and typical-of-me sentiment, I want a baby, that would make things more…insert stable, happy, real. Whatever emotion I was feeling in the moment. Not a planner, motherhood really played to the unpredictability that guided my life early on. 

The truth is, our relationship had been a bit on and off in the six months prior to getting pregnant. At the time we conceived, we had just re-committed to making it work, and thought, perhaps we were ready to think about children. I had gone off the pill. However, the idea hadn’t fully sunk in, since we were still working on being good partners for each other. 

Chronically unsatisfied, I had been running away from any kind of stability for years. As the child of a diplomat, my family moved from country to country, experiencing the rich culture of East Africa, the Middle East and Caribbean, always travelling and having new adventures as a family. By the time I was in university at 17, I was used to people being on the go and people being in awe of my travels and up bringing, sometimes thinking my story was much more interesting than me. In my first university degree, I continued the chase. Unhappy with the environment in Halifax, I ran to India, then Malta, across Eastern Europe…then back to a small Ontario town, where I thought a diploma in photojournalism would be my key to an interesting job, therefore sustaining an interesting life. 

What I am articulating, is that I have always had this insatiable desire to be on a new adventure, to create a life as interesting as my childhood had been. 

Without detailing the millions of paths I started and stopped in my early twenties, I eventually moved to BC to find some answers. A worshipper of serendipity, I thought the signs would eventually be clear. 

My husband and I met the year I moved to Vancouver. I made the move from Kits to Commercial drive in search of a new start in the city. When I walked into his restaurant looking for a job as a waitress, I locked eyes with him as he descended the back stairs of the restaurant in his soccer uniform and was immediately attracted to him. I remember the moment vividly. I even remember the green and white striped v-neck sweater I was wearing, I kept it for years. 

Shortly after I was hired, I told him over the bar late one night, I think we are going to be really good friends for a long time. We fell for each other quickly and had an end of summer romance that came to an abrupt halt in the fall. We were on and off for the first five months, but by Christmas, after a trip to Argentina and Uruguay together, I was ready to move in above the restaurant, and the more serious portion of our relationship started. The next four years, I would break the relationship off twice, searching for something different. Stuck in the mundane cycle of full time school, I thought ending my relationship would give me the change I needed. I would look for things wrong with my partner, rather than try to focus on what I was unhappy with about myself. It was after one of my Christmas meltdowns, that we found ourselves pregnant. 

We were excited and I knew having Nico was the right decision. It gave us a new zeal and commitment, as we bought a house and attempted to prepare for something you can never prepare totally for: parenthood. 

Want to know how to feel the most lonely you’ve ever felt? Become a new parent before all your friends do, move to a city where none of your friends live, and go on maternity leave, 4 months after starting a new job that you love. As you can imagine, the collision of all these things, on top of my chronic un-satisfaction with the present, led to me feeling trapped. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved being a mom and my child was perfect to me. I now know how lucky I am to be able to conceive a healthy child without difficulty, but I was in a deep and dark mourning for the person I had been and the life I once had.

Motherhood itself is a crazy change. It is the death of your ability to be totally selfish. The death of your free will to make choices that only impact yourself. You now must keep another human being alive, love it, teach and try to keep yourself in good condition to do so. It’s the biggest challenge and I don’t know anyone who has met it with 100% precision. And the biggest joke of all, is even though you know you will never be perfect at it, you will still always hold guilt over your head when you make a mistake or do something you regret. Your expectations of yourself will be kicked in the face on the daily.

I did find my swing with Nico, although, I still hadn’t let go of the deep sense I had inside, that I was missing out. That while motherhood was awesome, there was so much living going around me and excitement in the lives of my non-parent friends, and I was being held back. The ultimate fomo (fear of missing out). We did a ton of activities, we made new friends. And when friends of mine started having babies, the loneliness started to subside. But I ached to get back to working, to have a purpose separate from motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared to be a mother, and letting go of what I thought I would be doing (travelling to foreign countries to nurse), was hard. 

When I got back to work, time went into fast-forward.  Things were great. We got married, and were pregnant again before we knew it. But this time I was prepared. I had friends with babies, I knew what to expect. I knew it would be hard, harder even. But I knew that time had already gone too fast, and that I only had one chance to give number two everything I had. 

Luca arrived healthy, Nico transitioned and so did I. I think I loved harder the second time, and gave Luca more moments than I was able to give Nico. I rocked Luca to sleep every night, not getting frustrated as often. I still rock him to sleep. I let Nico grow up too fast in my mind. By the age of one I remember looking at Nico and thinking he was a toddler, when the same time rolled around for Luca, I remember thinking, he’s such a baby! Since Luca, I think I have embraced and accepted motherhood more, I wholeheartedly know I am where I need to be. I know others want to be where I am and I struggle knowing they have difficulty bearing children, and I don’t take that for granted. But the struggle of raising children is still real. Because its hard, it is so hard. There are days when I just want to run away, I would even take a prison cell, if it meant I could sleep and not have to answer to a million other needs before my own. The days where I am full-time disciplining, and I think my kids hate me, and I hate myself…the pain is deep. But it is also temporary, because the next day can be divine. It’s never boring, but sometimes, I just want to feel the ache of boredom, a feeling that used to haunt me and make me feel unaccomplished. 

And this late fall, I had a bit of a mental collapse. I hadn’t been sleeping, maybe 5 hours a night, and never more than 2 hours at a time. I was working nights and days, and lots. I was carting my kids to activities, but not enjoying them because I had a million other commitments that I had put on my plate. This is typical of me, in my quest to stay interesting/interested, I will commit to more than I can handle and then it backfires in my face. I had no love to give, and the guilt was eating me away. It eventually corroded my immune system too, and I was hit with a bad flu. 

I think I am on the other side of the mental and physical drain. And the answer wasn’t what I thought it would be. I have historically found my worth in activity, adventure and achievement. But forced to shut down, I found peace in the mundane, the non-adventure. Watching too much TV with my kids when they were also sick. Letting the house get messy. Letting the lists pile up. But, feeling present. Not living in the midst of the next adventure, but in the bliss of today. I think this is me admitting that I have felt ashamed to be, just a mom. I have wanted to hold more than just this title, yet, it’s when I can juggle being just a mom well, that I feel best. Not when I am spreading myself so thin that I the guilt of being half present erodes my being. 

When we interview mothers, we always ask, do you have any regrets? More often than not, the answer is, no, this path got me to here. I get that, but I do have regrets. I regret not being more present, not just in motherhood, but in so many junctures in my life. My husband says, stop living for next week, enjoy what you’re doing today. He knows best, that in the heat of the moment I am usually planning my next steps, not living in the current footprint. I also regret not knowing, that while I was pining to be seen as a person beyond a mother, that being a mother made me great, made me dynamic and made me strong. 

After all is said and done, (although, god knows I will have more breakdowns, bad weeks, days and years), motherhood took a very fragile, self-conscious me and made me feel worth, depth and strength I had never known. It’s all reflected in how beautiful my kids are and how much they love me. It made me the person that looked at myself in December and said, something is wrong, you’re not happy, and that’s ok. You don’t have to run or change your life, your life is good still.

Now, at this very moment, I am on a beautiful vacation with my little family, and while we have learned that travelling with kids is not easy, I believe the memories are worth every bit of hardship. And perhaps in a way that I hadn’t expected, I am fulfilling my need for change and wanderlust through the tiny and wide-eyed little boys that go almost everywhere with me. 

Written by Jena 

Edited by Sarah

Photographed by Jena (+ her amazing husband Corrado)